


Guilty Pleasures

by maliwanhellfire



Series: Prompts [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Clothes Sharing, Guilty Pleasures, M/M, Pirate AU, Sharing a Bed, UST, implied canoodling in van, the second pirate AU chapter has a verbal fight and some nasty things are said
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-04-25 10:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4956463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maliwanhellfire/pseuds/maliwanhellfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt fills for those wonderful cliche tropes that we all know and love, no matter how often we read them.</p><p>Chapter 2: Bull is a pirate and Felix and Dorian are his captives.<br/>Chapter 3: Dorian wears Bull's sweatshirt. Bull digs it.<br/>Chapter 4: Isabela finds a funny 'Vint and tells Bull about it.<br/>Chapter 5: Shovel talks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Having to share a bed with unresolved sexual and romantic tension

Lying next to Dorian Pavus would normally be something Bull would be down with. Even in the context of sharing a hotel room, which they were, as opposed to boning down, which they were not. Dorian was pretty, and he looked like the sort of person who would be flattered by someone else’s morning wood. Sharing a bed with Dorian was not an issue.

Sharing a bed with Dorian while there were three other people in the room, was. 

“Night,” Dalish said. 

“Bonne nuit,” Skinner said, snuggling into Dalish’s chest.

“Shut  _up_ ,” Krem said, from the cot on the floor. 

He’d drawn the short straw. He usually did. Krem wasn’t great at games of chance. 

“Pleasant sleep,” Dorian said. 

Dorian was curled up on his side, the line of his body visible under the thin hotel sheets. It was warm, so they’d pushed the cover down. Bull could see exactly how round Dorian’s ass was, and he wanted nothing more than to grab it with both hands, and do things to it. 

“Good night,” Bull said. 

Luckily there was absolutely no chance of Bull spooning Dorian in his sleep. Horns took care of that. 

 

\---

 

Bull could not sleep. Dorian clearly could not either, if his breathing was anything to go by. Bull hoped it was a case of fellow feeling, but it easily could’ve been in response to Skinner’s dreamy mutterings about murdering shems. Sounded like she was going off on ‘Vints, specifically. 

Dorian sighed and turned over, the sheet dipping down so Bull could see his shoulders. They looked at each-other, but didn’t say anything. Bull saw Dorian open his mouth, only to close it again. He looked past Bull, to the Chargers. 

Bull nodded, and waved his hand towards Dorian, indicating that he should get up. He rolled off the bed quietly, and Bull followed him slowly, so the bed wouldn’t squeak. Dorian was out the door, cardkey in hand, before Bull even had his feet on the floor. 

“You alright?” Bull asked, once he joined Dorian in the corridor. 

“Yes,” Dorian said. “I don’t know...”

He was looking fine, sleep-rumpled even though he hadn’t gotten a wink, pretty as a picture even in flannel pants and a tank top. Bull wasn’t even wearing a shirt. By the way Dorian’s eyes were darting about, he’d noticed. 

“We can switch rooms, tomorrow,” Bull offered. 

“No, I don’t want to inconvenience you,” Dorian said. “It’s not that I don’t want to be around you...”

He looked softer than he usually did. It might’ve been the clean face, or the drooping moustache, but it also could’ve been genuine vulnerability. Koslun damn it, Bull wasn’t in the habit of lying to himself. Dorian did look vulnerable.

“It’s kind of the opposite problem,” Dorian said. 

“Oh,” Bull said. “Huh.”

“I don’t know if honesty is going to make this more or less awkward,” Dorian said. 

“I wasn’t sleeping either,” Bull said. 

“Oh,” Dorian replied. 

They looked at each-other in the crappy yellow lighting that the hotel used in its halls. Bull could see Dorian’s nipples through his shirt. He followed the curves and lines of Dorian’s body. Dorian bit his lip. 

“So,” Bull said. “Maybe we could talk this over, have a coffee.”

“It’s 1am,” Dorian said. 

“There’s a 24 hour Nuggles down the street,” Bull said. “And I have the keys to the van.”

He held his index finger up and the spun them, to illustrate. 

 

\---

 

They bought the coffee but they didn’t drink it.

 

\---

 

Turned out Templars would not ignore ‘don’t come knocking’ stickers, and they looked down on that sort of thing no matter how old you were. 

 


	2. Bull is a pirate, the Charger is his ship, they take out a Tevinter vessel and capture Felix and Dorian, and there are naughty times in Bull's quarters

 

 

 She was beautiful, tall and majestic, with a big ass. Bull took a moment to appreciate it. ‘Vints were all assholes, but they got some things right. Mainly ship design. They didn’t make ‘em fast, bless them, but they made ‘em pretty. 

“We doing this, Captain?” Krem, his First Mate, asked. 

“Raise the colours, lad,” Bull replied. “We’re going hunting.”

He could see a lone man, leaning over the balustrade at the stern of the ship, watching them. He tracked the flag as it went up, looking up at the sky when it caught and the skull and crossbones showed. He should have looked terrified, instead he seemed to be annoyed. 

“Pirates!” Bull heard, shouted loudly enough that it breached the distance between them.

The deck burst into movement, the hands running to the sails, or below decks for staves and swords. The ship didn’t have any canons, which was good, because Bull didn’t want to wreck so beautiful a façade in the name of self-defence. ‘Vints seemed to think they could get by on magic, and they were always wrong. Although, at the very least Bull could see they had an impressive complement of life boats.

The man waiting at the rear of the ship hadn’t moved, once he’d sounded the alarm. He was still watching them, and the closer the Charger got to the Tevinter Brigantine, the clearer it became that the ‘Vint was looking at _him_. He drew a staff, spinning it slowly before levelling it at Bull.

“Dalish!” Bull shouted. “Incoming!”

They were minutes away from boarding the ship, and Bull could see the other man smiling, even after Dalish’s barrier fell over the crew. He changed his stance and then his staff began to drift lower.

“No…” Bull said, narrowing his eyes.

“Uh, Captain, he can’t make a shot at this distance, right?” Stitches asked, following his gaze.

“Couldn’t possibly,” Bull replied.

The Charger was half the length of the Brigantine, and they travelled light before a raid, so she was fast, too. They were coming in at an angle, but not one so steep you couldn’t see the back of the ship. Which, coincidentally, was where the ‘Vint had started to aim.

“Don’t do it,” Bull growled.

The ‘Vint fired, aiming right at the rudder. Bull felt the ship shudder when the blow hit, but he didn’t smell fire or storm. The man had used _ice_ , _ice_ on saltwater. As futile a gesture as shouting into the wind.

Bull scoffed, but the mage didn’t seem bothered. He looked at whatever damage he had done, and then ran down onto the deck.

“Captain!” Krem shouted.

“What?” Bull replied.

“He froze the fucking rudder!”

Bull swore.

“I’m gonna kill him,” He said.

 

\---

 

The first few minutes were always key. If they did their job right, they brought Bedlam with them. Sewed enough confusion that their victim’s crew didn’t know they were a smaller force. Bull had always been effective enough at striking fear into the tiny hearts of his enemies, but since he’d taken on Skinner, well…

“Je vais vous baigner de votre sang!” Skinner shouted. “Enfoncer les Shems!!!”

She jumped the railing ahead of Bull, one knife in her hand and the other in her mouth. Skinner screamed in the face of the nearest ‘Vint, and he scrambled back as quickly as he could, just to get away from her. It was beautiful.

Bull pulled himself over behind her, drawing his maul and rolling his shoulders. Dalish and Rocky were holding back, keeping the mages at bay while they boarded. Krem was right beside him.

“So,” Bull said, looking among his potential victims. “Who wants to take on The Iron Bull?”

The deck hands looked terrified, which was entirely gratifying, but Bull could see the brands on them, and couldn’t help but feel a spark of sympathy. They weren’t there by choice, but if he had to, he’d fight them all the same.

Bull felt a burst of cold and pain, and suddenly there was a mage before him where there’d been none before. The man from the back of the ship. Up close Bull could see how well made his clothes were, if a little worn, and that his facial hair had been curled up with wax.

“Nice moustache,” Bull said.

“Thank you,” The ‘Vint replied.

Bull swung at him, and he had the audacity to dodge.

 

\---

 

“If you give up, we’ll kill you quickly,” Bull said, following the mage as he backed towards the bow of the ship.

“No thank you,” The man replied. “A gentleman never goes off early.”

Bull laughed before he could help himself.

 

\---

 

There were two of them. The second one almost took Bull’s head off, but he’d looked a little apologetic about it.

 

\---

 

They flanked them, Krem and Skinner on one side, Bull and Dalish on the other. They pinned the two ‘Vints against the bow, both of them standing side by side, panting and out of mana. The second one stared towards the stern and, inexplicably, relaxed.

“ _We done_?” The first asked, in Tevene.

“ _We’re done_ ,” The second confirmed.

They dropped their staves and raised their hands. The first one pointed at the second.

“He’s worth money,” He said, in Common. “Probably more if you don’t rough him up too much.”

Bull had a sinking feeling. He looked behind himself, towards the deck of the ship. There were one or two men dead, mages from the look of them, but the other ten or so hands were gone. As were the lifeboats.

“Huh,” Bull said. “You know we can still follow them in _this_ ship.”

“Captain?” Krem said.

“Yeah?”

“That one took out the helm,” He said, pointing at ‘Vint number Two.

“Apologies,” The man replied, and strangely, actually looking a little sorry about it.

Bull inhaled and appealed to Koslun for patience.

“Alright, we’ve got two ships that are only going somewhere blindly,” Bull said. “We’re going to wait out the melt while we deal with these two and go through the cargo.”

“Oh, that’s the best part,” The first ‘Vint said.

“Why?” Bull asked, against his better judgment.

 

\---

 

“It’s fucking marble,” Bull said.

“Mhm,” Krem said.

“Fucking. Marble.”

“Oh look, I found chocolates in the Captain’s quarters!” Dalish shouted, from the top of the stairs.

 

\---

 

“So,” Bull said. “How much are you worth?”

The ‘Vint threw up on his shoes. It wasn’t as surprising as it could have been. Mages never handled being collared too well, at first.

“Sorry,” The man said. “And, I’m not sure? I belong to house Alexius. I imagine they’d be pretty keen to have me back.”

“Huh, so, you’re Alexius, who’s he?” Bull said.

“That’s, uh…”

“For the love of; Diego. You can call me that.”

“That’s not your name, is it?” Bull asked.

“It’s as much my name as The Iron Bull is yours,” Diego said.

“Anyone going to put down any coin for you?”

“No.”

Alexius straightened, the distress in his eyes becoming sharper. Bull knew there was something there, if he found the right way to leverage it. Diego was a mage, so if he was hiding his family name, it was for a reason.

“My… my family would pay well to have him back as well,” Alexius said. “And once I’m on land, I have my own funds. If there’s a ransom I’ll pay it.”

“Felix please stop wasting your money on trivial things,” Diego said.

“I’m sorry for wanting you around, Do- _Diego_ , it was selfish of me.”

“Apology accepted.”

“You know, you two aren’t as cute as you think you are,” Bull said, hoisting his maul on his shoulder and leaving them to the Charger’s brig.

“ _I think we are,_ ” Bull heard Alexius say, quietly, behind him.

 

\---

 

Dorian of house Pavus reacted pretty calmly to being held under in a barrel of water. He didn’t like it, but he didn’t panic either. He put all his energy into glaring between dunks, and didn’t waste any of it on shouting.

“You done this before?” Bull asked.

Dorian rolled his eyes, but didn’t indicate one way or the other. Bull nodded and Krem held him under again, counting down the seconds. He pulled Dorian up after he’d spent a few moments thrashing.

“So, why didn’t you bother to tell us you were a Pavus?” Bull asked.

Dorian didn’t reply immediately, taking a few seconds to get his breath back. Bull thought about putting him under again for making him wait, but Dorian seemed to realize when his time was up.

“I’m not a Pavus,” Dorian said.

“This angry note says you are.”

“I’m not a Pavus _anymore_ ,” Dorian replied. “I’ve been disowned.”

“And what does an Altus have to do, to get kicked off his family tree?”

“Fuck a lot of men.”

Bull looked up at Krem. Krem seemed about as confused as he felt. Tevinter was well known for its debauchery, you could do almost anything there. When Bull looked back at Dorian, the other man rolled his eyes at him.

“Fuck a lot of men _openly_ ,” Dorian said. “Eitherway, I’ve no interest in going back to that, so if you would be most kind, could you just kill me and send me back to my father in pieces. It’ll annoy the shit out of him.”

“What is wrong with you?” Krem asked.

“Oxygen deprivation!” Dorian replied.

 

\---

 

While they were at port, they received a missive from House Alexius. They offered money for their son, but not for Dorian.

“We’re taking you to Seheron,” Bull said. “Your father will pick you up there.”

“I have my own funds, if you’ll just give me time…”

“Felix, Amatus, let it go,” Dorian said. “Like I said, chop me up and send the bits back in a box.”

“For once in your life, Dorian, _shut up_ ,” Felix said.

“I’ll, uh, leave you to discuss it,” Bull said.

 

\---

 

The ship showed up on the horizon while they were still rowing in Tevene. While the whole crew felt discomfited by it, Krem seemed to have it the worst, because he could understand every word they were saying, even when it was shouted angrily.

“What are they on about now?” Rocky asked.

“How Dorian is emotionally insensitive and negative,” Krem said, pausing for a bit as a particularly loud diatribe came up through the deck. “And how it’s not witty, it’s upsetting.”

“I didn’t know they were together,” Dalish said.

“They’re not,” Krem replied. “Dorian’s now saying he’s allowed to have coping mechanisms in a stressful situation.”

“Think we should interrupt them to ask about house livery?” Bull asked.

“Give it five more minutes, Alexius just said that Dorian’s been intolerable ever since they slept together and Dorian left before Alexius woke up.”

The entire crew hissed quietly.

“Ouch,” Stitches said.

“This is better than Swords and Shields,” Skinner said.

 

\---

 

Bull entered the hull to the sound of angry silence. Felix and Dorian were sitting on opposite sides of their cell, looking at anything but each-other.

“So, either of you got gold and black for house colours?” Bull asked.

“Why?” Dorian said.

 

\---

 

“Take the collar off me,” Dorian said. “Right now.”

“Yeah I’m not going to do that,” Bull said.

“My father was in the Tevinter Imperial Navy for fifteen years. He made a career out of obliterating Dreadnaughts. I was his protégé.” Dorian said. “That elf, Dalish? Specializes in mid-range fighting, doesn’t she? Perfect for breaking through defensive lines and boarding ships?”

“Yes…” Bull said.

“Mm. Magister Pavus can hit a ship at 200 yards,” Dorian said. “He can put a hole in one at a 100.”

“Fuck,” Bull said.

“Indeed, luckily for you, I’m very good at defending against that sort of thing, and I don’t want him to get his claws in me again,” Dorian said.

“You need any lyrium?” Bull asked.

“It’d be nice, thank you,” Dorian replied.

“I can do wind spells,” Felix said, voice a little bit dry. “If anyone cares.”

 

\---

 

“ _I want to put a hole in it_ ,” Dorian said, in Tevene.

“ _I don’t want you killing anybody,_ ” Felix replied. “ _And I honestly think it would upset you if your father died. At your own hand or otherwise._ ”

“ _You’re so negative, I know he’s patched hulls before, he told me_ , _he probably wasn’t even lying._ ”

“ _Setting fire to the sails would be as effective…_ ”

“ _Oh, wonderful, set the ship on fire and leave them dead in the water… And you call me bloodthirsty_.”

“What are they talking about?” Skinner whispered.

“Tell you later,” Krem said.

“ _Alright, you pierce the hull, I’ll give us a boost once you’re done,_ ” Felix said.

“ _Done, and Felix? For what it’s worth…_ ”

“ _Mmm?_ ”

“ _I’m sorry, that I didn’t…_ ”

“ _Make it up to me later._ ”

Dorian smiled and then pointed his staff at his father’s ship.

“Fire in the hole!” Dorian shouted.

An almighty crack came down from the heavens, the light bright enough to be near-blinding even during the day. It hit a sparkling barrier around the ship… And then went straight through it. Everyone on deck started shouting.

Felix turned towards the stern of the ship, and twisted his staff, face lined with concentration as the wind picked up. Dorian didn’t take his eyes off the Tevinter ship. He watched it until it was gone from the horizon.

It did not sink.

 

\---

 

“Ok, I’ll bite,” Krem said, that night over drinks. “If you could do that, why didn’t you do it to us?”

Dorian seemed pretty intent on getting to tipsy as fast as possible, but Felix was much more circumspect about it. The fact that Bull hadn’t tried to put the collars back on had mollified him to a great extent. Dorian was less convinced. He hadn’t set his back to any of them in hours.

“I’m an abolitionist,” Felix said.

“I’m helping,” Dorian said.

“Still not clear,” Bull said.

“You… brought our schedule up a bit,” Felix said. “But there didn’t seem to be much point fobbing you off and then trying to deal with the ship’s officers after you got them all wound up.”

“Felix is trying to become a folk hero.”

“I am not.”

“You… were getting the slaves off the ship?” Bull said.

“He was,” Dorian clarified. “I was helping.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Bull asked.

“I’m a political reformer at heart,” Dorian said.

 

\---

 

“ _He’s quite… big… isn’t he?_ ” Dorian said, three beers in.

“ _He half drowned you_ ,” Felix said.

“ _Most people that meet me_ want _to._ ”

“ _You know he understands Tevene, right_?” Krem said.

Dorian gave him a very dry look, then slowly shifted over to Bull’s legs, and chest, and face. Then he looked back at Krem again.

“ _You’re not that good at the whole intrigue side of being Tevinter, are you_?” Dorian said.

 

\---

 

“You know that’s my bed, right?” Bull said.

They stopped necking for long enough to give him a sad look each. Felix’s at least had a little sympathy in it.

“We know,” They said, simultaneously, but with slightly different tones.

“Hey, I thought we were still hung up on the dunking incident…”

“We are.” Dorian said.

“So I thought I’d check in.”

“We may have to punish you later,” Felix said.

“Mmm,” Dorian replied.

“But this exact scenario has been pretty high on our bucket lists for a long time, so, would you like to have sex with two depraved mages from Tevinter?” Felix asked.

“I would like that, yes,” Bull said.

“Wonderful,” Felix said. “I’m happy we talked this out.”

“Fuck me.” Dorian ordered.

“You really should,” Felix replied.

 

\---

 

Dorian was a screamer.

 

\---

 

Bull woke up the next morning to a mild hangover, a frozen rudder, and a missing lifeboat. He also found a little note on bureau, covered in little love-hearts.

“So basically we gained nothing from this entire exercise,” Krem said. “That’s what you’re telling me.”

“The real treasure are the friends we made along the way,” Bull said, sagely.

“We’re low on oranges,” Krem replied.

“Did I mention they left me a forwarding address?” Bull said.

“Your ‘booty’ friends don’t share six ways, Captain.”

“Not with that attitude,” Bull replied.

He did buy more oranges though, when they made port.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Wearing each-other's clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the HS AU.

Bull wakes up to the smell of coffee and bacon. Dorian loves the former and hates the latter, so Bull knows that Dorian is cooking for him. The thought warms him, so he rolls himself out of bed and into the kitchen. 

Dorian’s standing by the stove, holding a hand over his mouth while he yawns. He turns the movement into a stretch, lifting up the hem of the sweatshirt he’s wearing, showing Bull more thigh than he could before. The shirt’s so big, it’s falling off Dorian’s broad shoulders. 

“Shit,” Bull says. “Is that mine?” 

Dorian turns and Bull can see the logo for their old highschool, the word ‘wrestling’ written beneath it capital letters. 

“Was yours,” Dorian says, smiling and shrugging, before turning back to the stove. 

“Can’t believe you still have it...” Bull says. 

He walks up behind Dorian and puts his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. Dorian leans back into him, yawning again as he pokes at his scrambled eggs. Bull kisses him beneath the ear and he hums happily. 

“I have some fond memories involving this shirt,” Dorian says. “You, the shirt, the back of your ridiculous car...”

“Mm, the Charger,” Bull says. 

“We had to leave the back door open if you wanted to fit in it, lying down.”

“I remember that! And one time Mr Cullen found us...”

“We gave that poor man grey hairs.”

Bull snorts, pressing his laugh into Dorian’s hair. 

“I like this,” Bull says, tugging on Dorian’s shirt. “It’s a good look on you.”

“Most things are.”

“This in particular,” Bull says.

He slides his hands down, then up. Feels Dorian’s warm skin beneath his palms.

“Turn the stove off?” Bull asks. 

“The eggs won’t be any good,” Dorian says. “Just so you know.”

“We’ll live.”

“Mmm...”

“You are so damn cute,” Bull says. 

Dorian turns off the burner, and then turns in Bull’s arms.


	4. Bull and Isabela meet up and she has a really weird 'Vint in her hold

“I found this really funny ‘Vint the other day,” Isabela said. “We took him off a tall ship headed for Nevarra, and he’s been aggressively polite the entire time we’ve had him.”

That sounded painfully familiar. 

“Hm. Rich boy?” Bull asked. “Planning to sell him back to Daddy?”

“Well, probably. Fenris wanted to kill him but he’s kind of… grown on me.”

“Right.” Bull said, holding a hand up, parallel to the ground. “This tall?”

“Thereabouts,” Isabela said. 

“Dark hair? Pale skin?”

“Yep.”

“Red lips, little bit pouty?”

“Are you talking me into a dirty story or do you think I have Tevinter’s version of Snow White?”

“Is his name Felix?”

“Oh, yeah, yeah he said he was called Felix,” Isabela said, nodding. 

Bull rubbed a hand down his face. 

“Could you do me a solid?” Bull asked. 

 

—

 

Bull held Isabela back by the shoulder when he heard shouting. She gave him an angry look and he let her go, holding his hands up in apology.

“I know who it is, just… let me talk to them first. It’ll stop things escalating.”

“Alright, but just so you know, you ever physically try to stop be doing something again, I take your arm off,” Isabela said.

“Noted.” Bull replied. 

“ _I understand your perspective on Tevinter mages, and it is perfectly valid…”_

 _“For the love of the Maker, that is the Wolf of Kirkwall. If you don’t shut up, he’s going to rip our hearts out and, contrary to popular opinion, we both have and need those to_ live!”

Both voices were very familiar, even in Tevene. 

“ _Why do you talk to me like that in front of other people?”_

_“Felix, love, now is not the time…”_

_“I’m still here,”_ Bull heard a third voice say. It sounded angry and confused, though one more than the other.

“ _Look, can we talk about this after we get off the fucking boat?”_

_“Maybe I don’t want to get off the fucking boat, maybe I want to help these nice people,”  
_

_“They’re pirates.”  
_

_“THESE NICE PEOPLE make some money, and then go back to Minrathous_ on my own _.”_

_“Wonderful, it’s always about your feelings, isn’t it? Maybe some people are allowed to be a little upset when they’ve spent a week running around Thedas wondering if other people were dead or not.”_

_“Well clearly I am fine, so you can stop inconveniencing yourself.”  
_

_“Inconveniencing myself?! Your bloody bill is on the senate floor in two weeks and instead of promoting your bleeding-heart agenda, I am here, facing the business end of that terrifying man’s gauntlets,_ for you _, so if anyone is getting stabbed in the foot it is not me.”_

_“His name is Fenris.”  
_

_“This is completely bizarre,”_ The third voice said again.

Bull saw a shock of white hair as he made his way up the gangplank. It was attached to Isabela’s first mate, who was fairly average build for an elf, but still utterly terrifying. He looked upset and confused.

_“Oh wonderful, his name is Fenris. Are you fucking Fenris too, or will you only put out for someone at Captain rank or above?”  
_

He sighed to himself when he saw Felix and Dorian, backed against the entrance to the hold, both of their faces red from yelling. 

“ _I DID NOT!”_ Felix shouted, turning towards the gangway. “Oh, hello Bull!”

“Hello Bull,” Dorian said, with significantly less enthusiasm and sweetness. 

“Isabela, am I allowed to kill him now?” Fenris asked. 

“Probably not,” She said, sounding apologetic. 


	5. Shovel talk

Krem held the shovel up in one hand and pointed at it with the other. There was a salesmanly flair to it, his wrist twisting and his palm lying flat, as if he were encouraging Dorian to buy the thing instead of, well, threatening Dorian with it. 

“Do you follow me?” Krem asked, his deep, clear voice firm but not quite menacing. 

Dorian smoothed his moustache with two fingers. He looked at the blade of the shovel and saw that it was shining a little, as if it had recently been sharpened. 

“I could do with a  _little_  clarification,” Dorian admitted. 

“ _Really?”_

“Look, is this the shovel I get if I  _don’t_  stop seeing your father, or the one I get if I  _do_.”

Krem sputtered a little at the word ‘father’, but Dorian ignored it. If Krem was to cast him as the evil step mother then he would at least play to type. A little. 

“It’s the shovel you get if you hurt him,” Krem said. 

“That doesn’t seem very fair.”

“Altus, for the love of…”

“People hurt each-other all the time. I don’t think it’s reasonable that I wake up in a shallow grave the first time we get into a row about proper use of horn balm.”

Krem’s face scrunched up. 

“Well, second time,” Dorian admitted, enjoying himself immensely. 

“Maker, I hate you,” Krem said. 

“Admit it, I’m growing on you,” Dorian said. “Or you wouldn’t be giving me the talk, you’d just be giving me the… well, the shovel.”

“I still could.”

“And then Bull would be sad and someone would have to give you a shovel.”

“Have you been drinking?” Krem asked. 

“Little bit.”

Krem dropped his shovel and turned away, eyes rolling up and towards the heavens. Dorian watched him go, feeling utter relief that he’d hit the point of getting spoken to by Cremisius. 

Everything had much more terrifying when he’d been told off by Skinner; she’d just showed him a six foot deep hole. 

 

—

 

 “Bull.” Yenaan said. 

“Ma’am,” Bull replied. 

“I’m sure we don’t need to have a conversation, do we?” she asked. 

She was whittling. She wasn’t even looking at her hands. When Bull looked down, he could see a figure held in her fingers, one with great big horns.

“No, Ma’am,” Bull said. 

“Good,” Yenaan replied. 

She flicked her knife, and the tiny wooden doll’s head came clean off. It landed in the bushes by her feet. 

“You don’t even know him that well,” Bull said. 

“Eh,” Yenaan said. “He needs mothering and I like him.”

“Fair enough,” Bull replied. 


End file.
